it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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