I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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