Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
