last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
