I need to stop coming to work sober
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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