I wanna bring you to show and tell
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
