My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
