Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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