hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
