You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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