I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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