I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
