I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
