Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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