I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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