When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
