I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Help. Why am I so naked?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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