i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
