OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
