I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
