Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
