is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
