I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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