Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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