ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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