I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
