i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
