shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize