my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
