fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
