I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
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