Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
