she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
please come you make the beer taste better
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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