it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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