The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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