this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
