New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
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if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
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Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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