every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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