Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
