Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
