My underwear smells like fireworks.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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