If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Randomize
