Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
It's blow job season.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
