You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
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