you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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