The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
