The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
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