I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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