I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
