Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
