I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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