Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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