Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
