haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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