so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
