I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
