The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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