i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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