You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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