dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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