the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
