Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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